After a year of house perving, I have finally bought my first house. YEY me, I naively first thought. Until I entered the house buying process which has more highs and lows that Hugh Hefner undergarments.
What surprised me most is the effect the home buying process has had on my behaviour. I’m not sure if it’s because at 34 I’m somewhat late to the party. Maybe people who buy in their 20’s manage to escape this behaviour? Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a ‘nut job’ as my work colleagues fondly refer to me. I’ll let you decide after you’ve read this list.
Here are the crazy things I noticed about buying a house for the first time – that no body warned me about.
Your relationship with your solicitor will resemble 50 Shades of Grey.
At first they woo you. Then they send you encrypted letters in the post. Their words make no sense, yet are strangely exciting. Then they show you their proposed costs and bang – they’ve fucked you. They then leave you squirming, anxiously waiting for them to make the next move. This game will go on for weeks, maybe even months. They have all the power. You are at their beck and call. Until finally they decide with one days’ notice you will exchange vows – ops I mean contracts. Then they leave you feeling tired and truly fucked, yet feeling strangely satisfied at paying thousands for the privilege.
All thoughts about feminism will fly out of the window.
Initially I felt so proud to do it by myself. I wanted to own somewhere that was all mine. With my mums 1990’s words ever ringing in my ear – never be dependent on a man for cash. I proudly flew the flag for women doing it for themselves. Until moving in day came and all thoughts about ‘doing it yourself’ went out of the window. Any man – boyfriend, father, delivery driver, friend, total stranger became a super hero if they offer to either carry, assemble or transport furniture.
You will start going to bed early.
About a week after I’d agreed to purchase I started to go to bed at about 8pm for the sole reason of looking at Pinterest for two solid hours. Addictively pinning things that I either can’t afford, are only shipped within the USA or are too big for my new house to my ‘Ideal Home’ board.
Wickes and B&Q start to make sense.
I used to think Wickes was the thing you lit in a scented candle. And that B&Q only sold BBQ’s. Now I stomp around them every weekend like a contender on Super Market Sweep.
You will make sex noises when:
- Looking at any online furniture store. My personal favourites are Swoon, Made, Ikea, Way Fair and M&S.
- When you realise the furniture that you failed to measure (and have spent 3 hours erecting) fits perfectly in the space it was intended.
- When you leave Ikea. Period.
You will cheat on your house.
The week before we were due to complete I got cold feet. I started to worry. Is this the house I’m going to sleep in for the rest of my life? Am I ready to commit for 30 years? Then I did the unthinkable, I went to check out other new builds to make sure I’d made the right decision. And whilst some had better assets (a particular utility room took my eye), I decided my initial attraction was spot on. My house was the perfect match for me. Phew.
You will start to dress like a tramp.
I used to think spending £20 on a pair of jeans was a bargain. Now I think nothing of spending such a sum on posh hand wash for the guest bathroom. But that’s not the half of it. You start to think sums equal to that of a second-hand car are a reasonable amounts for fitted wardrobes, a bed and sofa. As result you will start dressing like a tramp because you can’t afford £20 for a new top to go out in, whilst splashing out £2,000 on ‘essential’ furniture. FML.
You will realise a house is just a house.
After saving years for this moment. Making sure everything in both house and garden are just to your liking. It still won’t feel right. So, on a whim you’ll decide now is the perfect time to get a dog. Then spend the next year crying as you watch it pee all over your new turf and chew your £2,000 ‘essential’ furniture propelling you into months of going to bed early again and making those noises after buying much cheaper replacement furniture in Ikea.
Yet by filling your house with unconditional doglike love, you’ll come to realise that although your house may still mostly belong to the bank, it’s now your home. BDx.